Soap Shenanigans
by Teh Pocky Ninja
Summary: One thing Konan discovers about the Akatsuki is the severe lack of soap. Especially when Pein is sitting in the shower, in danger of turning into a pierced raisin. Tobi discovers art, Hidan loses to Itachi in Super Smash Bros Brawl. Crack, leetle bit PxK


**Soap Shenanigans**

* * *

_And I'd give up forever to touch you…'cuz I know that you feel me somehow…_

Konan hummed quietly as she trotted down one of the numerous hallways in the Akatsuki Evil Lair Of Doom, a stack of fresh-out-of-the-dryer towels in hand.

_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be…and I don't wanna go home right now…_

It was almost noon, she thought to herself. Better go get lunch ready before Zetsu tried-

"KONAAAAAN!"

She stopped in her tracks, sighing and blowing a stray lock of royal-blue hair out of her eyes before turning around and trudging back towards the noisy shout's source.

Stopping outside a single door with a golden-lion handle, she carefully placed her towels down on the floor before rapping on the door with her knuckle, the sprinkling sound of running water inside indicating the shower was in use.

"Pein? It's me. What's the problem?"

"I seem to be out of soap," his slightly muffled voice called out. "Go get me some more."

She sighed again, picking up her towels. "Alright, I'll be back in a bit."

_Would it kill ya to say please once in a while?_

After depositing the clean towels in the bathroom supplies closet, she turned around and smoothed out her black-and-red robe.

_Ok…no soap in there…going to have to borrow some…we'll have to buy more on the next shopping trip…The others have got to have some on hand…_

"Dei?" she called after wandering the hallways for a while and finding the door she had been looking for, a large poster of Gene Simmons taped to the wood. "Dei, you in there?"

"Door's unlocked, un."

Her powder-blue eyes flicked upwards as she entered, to the pyromaniac blonde perched on top of a fifteen-foot ladder and working away at the top of a ridiculously tall clay sculpture that vaguely resembled a deformed Easter egg. Her footsteps crackled slightly on the newspaper covering the floor as she approached the artist, careful not to get too close in case that clay of his fell down on her head.

"Dei, we're all out of soap. Got any?"

Without taking his visible eye off his work, the blonde shook his head of Barbie-esque hair. "Sorry, un. Tobi took all mine, un. Thieving little piece of…"

"Ok, I'll go ask someone else."

She closed the door quickly, hearing a hushed curse prelude a small _bang_ as something explosive hit the somewhat scorched floor. Sighing, Konan began the long walk to the other inhabitants' rooms…

* * *

"Kakuzu?"

She glared at the peephole he had drilled into his thick room door.

"It's me. Pein needs soap. Have any he can use?"

The sound of multiple locks clicking open and chains clinking came from the other side before the door opened just a crack.

"Well…actually, yes I do…but it's five bucks an ounce."

He quickly noticed the throbbing vein appearing on her forehead, and quickly added, "O-ok, no, I don't. But Hidan always does. He uses it to clean up the blood after another ceremony…Go ask him."

She exhaled in exasperation, heading off in the direction of the religious ninja's Chamber of Horrors.

She immediately held her nose as the stink of old blood began to waft through the hall's air. Reaching Hidan's blood-spattered room door with that weird circle and triangle carved into it, she squinted and read aloud the grimy Post-it note stuck to the outside.

"'_All hail Jashin. Services from one to five. Status: Out to lunch._' Out to lunch, my _anus_…"

Kisame's room posed similar problems. The smell of fish and rotting meat almost became too much by the time she knocked on his rather slimy door.

_What would they do without me? Men…_

The moment the door opened, she had to both hold her nose _and_ cover her ears from the surprisingly loud blast of years-old Switchfoot and Daft Punk blaring at full volume. Fortunately, it was quickly turned down before the room's inhabitant opened the door any further to peek out, giving her a toothy grin.

"Kisame," she said in an exasperated and nasal nose-holding tone, "I told you to clean that mess up weeks ago. It's probably started fermenting by now."

"Sorry…" he mumbled sheepishly. "I'll get around to it. Whatcha need?"

"Soap. For Pein."

"What is this 'soap' you speak of?"

"Ha ha," she rolled her sky-blue eyes, "Very funny. You have any soap or not?"

"Umm…" he scratched the back of his fishy head. "Sorry, fresh out. Tobi took all mine…Go ask Itachi."

"'K, thanks…"

* * *

"Itachi? Itachi, open the door. I know you're in there. Don't ignore me, Itachi."

She sighed for the millionth time that day, before turning the knob and forcing the door open. She rolled her eyes, no wonder he hadn't answered her knocking.

The blind Akatsuki sat cross-legged on the floor, fingers tapping away at the old Gamecube controller clutched in his hands. Beside him sat Hidan in a similar position, facing the ridiculously large widescreen TV sitting in front of them. Both were pale-faced and white-knuckled, obviously having played for several hours before she came along.

Hidan cursed loudly as his character was thrown up off the arena by his opponent, reappearing in the foreground and appearing to slam against the screen before coming back down in a burst of light, one life less than before.

"Ja-_shin_," he muttered, "You can't even _see_ and you're beating me."

The Uchiha merely smirked, his half-closed eyes focused on nothing in particular.

Konan said nothing, but carefully stepped around the piles of dirty magazines surrounding the two. They paid her no attention as she shoved open the door of the room's tiny bathroom, looking around inside for a few seconds before closing it and wading through the heaps of junk back towards the exit.

"Noooo!" she heard Hidan wail as an explosion echoed from the screen. "Not Lucario's Final Smash! I hate youuuu!"

Itachi simply smirked triumphantly as she closed the door.

* * *

_Is it so hard to find one stinkin' bar of soap in this place?!_

"Zetsu?" she asked, getting desperate now to just find some soap so she could go back to what she was doing…

His door opened right away, the two-tone face gazing out at her with mild surprise.

"Either of you got any soap?" she asked, looking at each half in turn.

"Soap?" said one side, "I don't think so…"

"We had some a one point," said the other side, "But I think we ate it…"

"Midnight snack," agreed the first side. "Sorry."

"Ok…" she said with an almost unnoticeable shudder. "Never mind. Thanks."

"Have you asked Tobi?"

"No, but he's next on the list."

_Geez, the ONE day I need soap it's nowhere to be found…This place needs a serious cleanup…_

Her eye twitched as she approached the masked Akatsuki's room door. The only one in the entire Evil Lair with a poster of rainbow Care Bears on the outside instead of bands or religious symbols.

"Tobi?" she called, knocking right on one of the sparkly-eyed bears' eyes. "Tobi, you in there?"

"Tobi's coming!"

She looked down at the short little ball of hyper as the door opened, his cheerful attitude easy to tell even through his orange mask.

"Tobi, did you take everyone's soap?"

He twiddled his fingers. "M-…maybe…but Tobi is a good boy! Tobi was _using_ it!"

"Yes, and we all appreciate that. Now, if you'll-"

"But Tobi _was_ using it!" he exclaimed, pulling the door open even further and pointing with his index finger. "See? Tobi is a good boy."

She merely stared, her mouth hanging open. Before her on the smiley-face carpet, sat a full-size statue of…

"You…you made a sculpture of Dei out of…_soap?!_"

Tobi nodded enthusiastically, "Tobi's a good boy! Tobi knows Deidara-sempai will like it! Deidara-sempai always tells Tobi to discover the true meaning of art. And Tobi discovered it!"

He turned back to his creation, his head drooping a little.

"But Tobi's not finished yet…don't tell Deidara-sempai!"

"I won't, I won't," she promised. "But I need a bar of that soap you got there. Pein needs it, he's in the shower."

"For how long has he been in the shower?"

"Hmm…maybe about half an hour."

Tobi giggled. "Maybe he'll be all prune-y when he gets out."

She attempted to stifle a giggle at that mental image. "But seriously, Tobi. I need some of that soap."

How he gave her the infamous puppy-eyes through a single hole in that mask, she never knew. But he was a master of manipulation all right.

"But…" he whimpered, "But then Tobi won't have enough to finish it…"

"Well, how much do you need?"

The newest Akatsuki appeared to squint at his figurine. "Just some for the eyebrows and…a bit for his tongues."

She picked up a stray bar of yellowish soap, quickly breaking it in half and handing part to Tobi.

"There you go. Bye!"

"Bye, Konan-sempai!" he called cheerfully after her as she closed the door and took off back towards the in-danger-of-turning-into-a-prune Leader.

* * *

_Here, I got your freakin' soap,_ she thought grumpily to herself as she pushed open the bathroom door, her eyes fixed firmly on the floor out of respect. And suddenly-

"Corporation T-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday, man you been a naughty boy-!"

Her head jerked up in shock.

"You let your face grow _long_…!"

Hidden from the chest down by steam, was the same Pein she had gone to get soap for behind the frosted shower stall glass. But he was…_singing_ into a hot pink sponge, holding it like a microphone.

"I am the eggman!" he shouted, obviously unaware of her slack-jawed presence. "They are the EGGMAN!"

She winced as his volume increased with each word.

"I AM THE _WALRUS_! KOO-KOO-KA_CHOO_-!"

"A-hem."

The noise stopped in an instant. He stood, his orange hair still flattened against his head, holding the sponge in front of his open mouth as he stood facing away from her.

"I got your soap, Sir Lennon," she said quickly, leaving it sitting on a towel within his arm's reach before quickly scooting out of the muggy bathroom. She slammed the door a bit louder than intended, before leaning against it and sliding down to the floor, like someone who had just run a marathon.

_Who knew that door was soundproof?_

* * *

Three cheers for Akatsuki crack :D


End file.
